Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
