how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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