I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
