Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Your penis caused this!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
