Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
