maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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