you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
