this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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