The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
