What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
why is half of my head shaved?
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