Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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