this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
