This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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