I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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