So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
People in love make me want to vomit
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
