i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
