I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
