Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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