Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
