So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
