no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
