What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
