my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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