I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
