Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
organizing the empties. That sober.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
