It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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