I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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