So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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