So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Pants are for mortals
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
