two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
