Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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