highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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