I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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