My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
