if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
