I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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