How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
