3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
