with your own penis?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
