How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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