dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
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