i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
