Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
