friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
