Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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