Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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