I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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