Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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