just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
