I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
