i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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