do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
